Title: Errand Boy
Dedication: Sky, Shini, and Gal
Characters: Edorad, Adaro, Ulquiorra, Urahara
Prompt: lime coke, toes, cookies

~*~

With a decidedly nervous edge to his demeanor, Edorad tapped his foot in impatience as he waited for his mother’s arrival. He usually wasn’t this restless when it came to Adaro, but then again, she usually never asked to speak to him alone either.

He hoped he wasn’t in trouble, and he was fairly sure that if he was, it wasn’t his fault. Edorad had been a model son and soldier for the past, he checked his watch, four hours! The incident with Il Forte three hours ago didn’t count because the fruitcake totally deserved getting dunked into the dirty koi pond, what with his constant primping and all. And his impromptu brawl with Grimmjow one and a quarter hours ago was really just a training session gone out of hand. Honestly.

'So you see, Adaro-sama,’ he practiced in his head, 'I shouldn’t be held accountable for the actions of others! Or at least if you’re going to execute me, those two idiots deserve it t-'

His internal monologue was interrupted when his leader and creator strode in, her face cold and humourless. Edorad bowed low at the waist as was expected of him, and he briefly wondered if he should have brought along a lawyer, just in case. But no, he hadn’t seen Shawlong for a while now (‘where the Heck did that sourpuss get to?’) and Ulquiorra would probably finish him off sooner than defend him, just for the sake of ‘Mommy’. All of the other Arrancar had personality quirks and hang-ups that would get him more into trouble than out of it so it looked like he would have to act as his own council.

’That’s how it should be,’ he mused as he straightened from his bow. ’A man should always meet his Fate head on, and look it straight in the eye! And if he falls in battle, well, he can die proud because he gave it everything he had.’

So as Adaro sat herself down on her throne in the conquered 1st-Division room, Edorad look his Fate straight in the eye and gave it everything he had, knowing that if he died in the next few seconds he would have nothing to regret as he passed on into Oblivion.

“I-didn’t-do-it,” he said in quick succession so that the words rammed into each other.

"... Didn’t what?” she cocked a blood red eyebrow, her rump only partially touching her seat.

“......... What?”

“What?”

She looked at her 13th son strangely for a moment before properly parking herself in her chair. Shifting a little till she looked regal and commanding, she pinned crimson eyes on him.

“Enough of this foolishness,” she said imperiously, noticing that Edorad looked relieved for some reason but not knowing why. “Edorad, I have an important assignment for you.”

“For me?” he asked eagerly.

Adaro had never asked him to do a solo mission before and getting one showed how much she trusted in his abilities. Of course it was only natural; only twelve other Arrancar were superior to him, and he was quite sure one or two of them were faking their skill. Once they had their backs turned to him, WHAMO! Good-bye, Brother, and he’d be moving up a notch!

But first, the mission.

“I want you to go in a gigai to the human world and obtain this for me,” she took out a piece of strangely made paper from the sleeve of her bloodstained haori. It was red like her hair, but of a brighter, more cheerful shade. Reverently taking it from her hand, he noted that the red paper was covered in strange letters and designs drawn in other colours.

“I want that exactly,” she told him sternly as her hand drifted over to Osovenenoso’s hilt and began to languidly stroke it. “No substitutes, no imitations, and no excuses. You know the price of failure.”

“Yes’m!” he said apprehensively and bowed again.

“Now go quickly! The sooner I have it the better,” Adaro said, licking her lips in a predatory manner.

He nodded deeply at her before heading for the door.

“Oh, and Edorad …”

The Arrancar stopped and faced his mother again.

“I don’t want any of the others knowing about your mission,” she said silkily, her eyes glinting dangerously in the pale morning light. “This is only between you and me.”

“Hai, Adaro-sama,” he said before hot-footing it out of there. Say what you will about the Hollow queen, but she was a creature to be respected (and not just because she could rip out his guts in less than a picosecond, though that helped immensely).

The large wooden door of the 1st-Division meeting room slammed shut behind him with dire finality. Letting out a deep breath of relief, Edorad rested his large frame against the door to calm his nerves.

“What are you doing here?”

The unexpected voice startled him and he jumped up, err, went into a defensive stance.

“Ulquiorra,” he said as he stared down at his older sibling. “What are you doing here?”

“I asked you first,” he said blandly, “but if you must know, I came here to give Adaro-sama her weekly beau- I mean, health treatment.”

To emphasize his point he lifted a container filled to the brim with odd tools and rough looking stone. The deadliest and most loyal of the Arrancar didn’t seem like he noticed he was carrying a pink coloured bucket (that, in Edorad’s opinion, clashed horribly with his eyes) but then again Ulquiorra always looked like he was permanently stoned.

“…Oh,” the 13th said, unwilling to inquire further. One quickly learned here that some things were better left unasked.

“And what about you?” he asked, his sharp eyes focusing on the red paper in Edorad’s grasp. The younger Arrancar hastily stuffed it into his hakama’s pocket.

“Uh, she wanted me to … throw that away for her,” he said while trying to look casual about his fib. “But we were just talking about that fight I had earlier with Grimmjow.”

“That was irresponsible of both of you,” Ulquiorra interjected before he could say anything further. “Luppi’s still complaining about the hole the two of you created in his personal quarters.”

“Yeah,” Edorad said wistfully. The look on the bastard’s face had been as funny as Hell when they’d busted into his room unannounced. Too bad the fight had been broken up before it could get really interesting.

“By the way, where’s Yammy? Isn't he always with you?”

“He is hardly my babysitter,” Ulquiorra frowned. “Besides, he’s busy.”

*****

“Two hundred and ah, ah, ah, achoo!” Yammy sneezed.

“Ugh, that’s disgusting!” a rebel shinigami yelled as he was liberally covered in snot and spittle.

“Sorry. Lemme get that for ya,” Yammy said and obligingly wiped the offending liquids away, along with the shinigami’s head.

“That’s two hundred and thirty … aw shit, I lost count!” the 10th bellowed in frustration at the remaining shinigami trespassers. “Guess I’ll just have to start again! One, two-“ he began to keep tally as he separated heads from bodies.

*****

“Ah, I see,” Edorad said as he began to inch his way from Ulquiorra. “Well, I think I’ll go to the human world, you know, to get a change of scenery an’ all.”

“Wait,” the other said before he could get very far. “If you’re going to the human world I want you to get me something.”

‘Great, I’ve become an errand boy,’ Edorad rolled his eyes as Ulquiorra fished for something in his pocket. He extracted the … white piece of paper from his clothing with some difficulty, seeing as how it refused to let go of the uniform’s material. There seemed to be a sticky, gooey residue on the paper, which now clung all over Ulquiorra’s fingers.

”It’s a label-“

“It’s gross, that’s what it is,” Edorad interrupted with a repulsed look on his face.

“It’s a label for a kind of human dessert I’ve grown fond of,” Ulquiorra said adamantly as he tried to wiggle his digits free of the leftover glaze. “During our last excursion to the mortal realm, Yammy and I were led to this small eating room where cat-people served certain treats. This one was superior to them all, and I want you to get it for me.”

He quirked an eyebrow at the story. Edorad highly doubted that cat-people actually existed, but then again, he reminded himself, Ulquiorra was probably some kind of druggie.

“Do I have to?” Edorad almost whined.

“Yes,” he replied flatly.

“Tch, fine,” he grumbled, made to snatch the label away from Ulquiorra, and then thought better of it. But the pasty skinned Arrancar had already seen his arm move towards him, so he offered his hand for Edorad to peel the paper off.

“… That’s all right, you keep it. I have it memorized already.”

“Very well then,” Ulquiorra said as he carefully replaced the wrapper label back into his pocket. “I shall expect your prompt retrieval of my item, Edorad. And also –“

“Yeah, yeah, this is between you and me,” he said sarcastically.

Ulquiorra nodded his approval before facing the enormous wooden double doors again. After opening one of the portals, Edorad heard Adaro greeting Ulquiorra semi-warmly on the other side.

“Ah, there you are, Ulquiorra!” she said, her voice echoing through the cavernous room. “Did you bring the wax like I told you to last time?”

“Of course, Mommy.”

Edorad thought that this was a prudent moment to sonido himself out of there. He’d grab the first gigai he saw and hop on over to the human world pronto. He couldn’t wait to get out of this place.

*****

“God damned humans … stupid trees! Argh! Fuckin’ rock!”

Edorad aimed a kick at the offending stone that had almost tripped him, but ended up stumbling as his toes grazed the ground instead.

“Argh!” he shouted in supreme frustration. This world was nuts and he’d seen some pretty twisted streets back in Rukongai. The roads made no sense, the people were even less so, and he didn’t know where to get Adaro’s item! It was well over an hour since he’d started, and his mother was not a patient person. If Urquiola had finished his bea- health treatment already, then that meant Edorad was on the clock and he had to finish his mission now.

‘But noooo, the humans have to hide the damn thing from me, probably just to make my life miserable! Next time I come to Karakura, I swear I’ll-'

“What’s a young one like you looking so angry for?” an elderly woman asked. “Just broke up with your honey?”

Edorad immediately pinned her with a deathly glare, but either she was senile or farsighted because she seemed unaffected by the look.

“It’s a beautiful day today, so why don’t you tell Obachan what’s wrong, and I’ll see if I can help you, hmm?” she grinned at him for good measure. “If you keep frowning like that you’ll die sooner than I will!”

‘It’s a beautiful day for a massacre, that’s what,’ the Arrancar sullenly thought to himself but swallowed his ire and released it in a heaving sigh. Maybe, just maybe, his luck would turn around if he was nice to this nosey, doddering old human. That’s how karma worked, right? Right.

“I’m looking for this item,” he growled and extracted the paper Adaro had entrusted him with. “Know where I can find it, Granny?”

“Oh, of course! Not many stores sell it since it’s an imported product, but a few do carry it,” the old crone replied. “Why, even a simpleton know where to get it.”

“Really?” Edorad said, barely daring to hope and letting the ‘simpleton’ comment slide. “What’s the closest place that has it?”

“There’s a quaint little shop in that direction called the Urahara Shouten that sells this and a few other foreign items. My grandchildren, all honour students, you know, love the treats I sometimes bring-“

“Thanks, Granny!” he said loudly to get her to stop yammering. He wanted a simple answer to his question, not her life’s story.

“Oh, going already? But I haven’t told you about the presents I bring to my family! You know my daughter wouldn’t’ be able to run her household right-”

“That’s OK, I have to go now,” he grumbled as he tried to side-step her.

“Well if you really must go, then I suppose you have to. But it’s a shame you can’t hear all my lovely stories. They should make a movie out of my life, you know. Now watch out for cars when you cross the street! That intersection is pretty busy this time of day.”

“I will,” he promised as a vein at his temple twitched. ‘Must … not … push her … into … traffic …’

“And while you’re out shopping maybe you can buy a longer skirt too? I don’t think it’s appropriate for a young lady like you to –“

She never finished her sentence as he summarily shoved her into the path of an incoming truck. Yeah, she had that coming to her, sticking her nose where it didn’t belong and making that comment about his skirt. Well it technically wasn’t his skirt; it came with his sister’s gigai!

‘Damn Menori, leaving her faux body like that,’ he grumbled as he walked away from the ‘accident’. Edorad admitted that it was his fault for not looking at which gigai he’d grabbed in his haste to get out of Sereitei, but still, he’d be having a talk with his younger sibling once he got home.

‘I don’t know how she can wear this,’ he fumed as he tried to ignore the cool air brushing against his bare legs. ‘Dunno how she walks in these clod-hoppers either.’

But this was nothing compared to what he’d had to put up with during battle, and he knew even those would pale in comparison to what Adaro might do to him if he wasted all of her patience. So gritting his teeth at his sister’s poor selection in wardrobe (and clocking a guy who had leered at him, the sicko) he limp/marched over to the Urahara Shouten in his bid to complete Adaro’s mission.

*****

*Plunk*

“Good afternoon, Customer-san! Is that all you’re buying today?” the store owner, Urahara if the name of the shop was anything to go by, said cheerfully from behind a paper fan.

“Yeah, that’s all,” he said, internally wincing at the gigai’s higher pitch. Man, was he glad his brothers weren’t around to see this (since they’d never shut up about it). But despite his girly looks, Edorad gave the other man his most menacing stare. With his wide brimmed hat pulled close to his face, this Urahara person didn’t look very trustworthy.

But at least he had Adaro’s item! Wouldn’t his mother by proud of him when he brought it to her, all nice and (relatively) quick. And hey, they even sold Urquiola’s snacks here. It was killing two birds with one stone, a stroke of good luck! Being nice to the old lady (for at least most of their time together) really did pay off.

“All righty then, that will be 750 yen, please!”

With a grunt he slammed down his hand to deposit the fistful of coins he’d ‘borrowed’ from a few not-so-lucky pedestrians. He wasn’t sure was denominations they were, but there were a lot of the shiny things; surely it was more than enough to cover his expenses?

Urahara leaned forward and shuffled the coins around as he counted quietly underneath his breath. Edorad heard him sigh as he leaned back to regard his patron.

“I’m sorry, Miss, but this isn't enough. You’re short by about two hundred yen!”

“Look, buddy,” Edorad snarled as he reached over the counter, having to go on tippy toes in order to successfully grab Urahara’s jacket. Man, did he really miss his taller body.

“I had to walk through Hell and put up with a senile old woman to find to this place. Now either you sell me these things for what I put on the table, or else I’ll just take the damned things and blow up your store ‘fore I go! How about that?”

His nostrils were flared as he stared down the infuriatingly calm storekeeper. The sandy haired man even had the gall to start casually fanning himself, as if he wasn’t scared for his life at all! It was inconceivable!

“Ooh, ooh, since you put it that way, then I’ll gladly accept your money, Customer-san!” Urahara suddenly broke out and waved the fan in Edorad’s face next. “I’ll even bag it for you since you’re being so generous!”

“Heh, that’s more like it,” the Arrancar grinned as he released the dark olive-green yukata. Threats was the solution to most, if not all, problems (and if those didn’t do the trick, violence or backstabbing worked well too).

He smirked as he scanned the store triumphantly, hearing a plastic bag rustle as his purchases were being bagged. This store was so crappy that he didn’t think wrecking it would make much of a difference. It was lucky that the storekeeper was a complete wuss.

“Here you are, Customer-san! Have a nice day now!” Urahara gave him a smile with the bagged items.

“Feh,” Edorad snorted as he snatched the plastic bag. “Last time I come to this hellhole.”

But despite his grumpy words, he was quite happy inside. His mission was finally over, and with it so efficiently completed, he was sure he would become Adaro’s No. 1 son and soldier in no time (especially if Urquiola wasted his time eating cookies)!

*****

With his hulking frame kneeling, Edorad could only see the hardwood floor of the 1st Division room as Adaro hastily tore through the plastic bag and thin cardboard box holding her prize within.

She hadn’t commented on his tardiness, though Adaro grabbing the bag right out of his hands was indication enough of her impatience. But she shouldn’t have any complaints now, not when she could finally uh, well, do whatever it was she wanted to do with that thing.

‘I wonder what it’s for?’ he thought, careful to not completely squish Urquiola’s cookies tucked inside his jacket's pocket. Honestly, for a cold-blooded murderer, he could be such a kid someti-

“Edorad!” a cold voice, closely followed by bone-chilling reiatsu, spoke like a voice from the grave. “What is this!?!”

Forcing himself to look up (at least he wanted to see what he was going to die for), he saw that she held a shiny silver canister in her hand. It had red writing on it and … a picture of sliced fruit?

“This isn't what I asked for!” Adaro continued to thunder, watching as beads of sweat dripped down his chin.

‘I … I’m sure I picked the right one!’ Edorad thought frantically as his mother’s spiritual pressure alone made him choke. He had picked up the red box with the same symbols as the paper she’d given him! He’d taken it to the damn counted and paid for …

‘That goddamned storekeeper!’ Edorad suddenly realized. ‘I’m going to kill him!’

“This is diet lime Coke! Are you implying something about me, young man?” she said as she took a step forward.

He could only flounder helplessly as he saw his doom coming towards him.

“Well?”

“Uuuh … silver looks good on you?” he answered lamely.

Edorad didn’t even wait for a reply before hightailing it out of there, his creator in hot pursuit. He figured that if he was lucky, and he meant really lucky, he could make it to Rukongai and hide out for a while till this whole ordeal passed over.

On the way of his mad dash, he passed by Urquiola and took a precious second to toss him his cookies. The little stoner didn’t even shout a “thank you” to him for his trouble (maybe being thrown through a few walls by the force of Adaro’s passage was Urquiola’s excuse, but still!) as Edorad ran for his dear afterlife.

Edorad only managed to reach the former 2nd-bantai headquarters before Adaro caught up to him in a truly impressive, and explosive, display of power.

Man he really couldn’t wait to get out of this place.